Monday, April 23, 2012

Northwest Bishops and the Pope: Top Secret Info

According to the VIS, the Holy Father received in audience over the last few days the following prelates of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, on their "ad limina" visit:

- Archbishop James Peter Sartain of Seattle.

- Bishop William S. Skylstad, Apostolic Adminstrator of the Diocese of Baker, accompanied by bishop-elect Fr. Liam Stephen Cary.

- Bishop Michael Patrick Driscoll of Boise.

- Bishop Robert Francis Vasa of Santa Rosa.

- Cardinal Marc Ouellet P.S.S., prefect of the Congregation for Bishops.

In a secret communiqué delivered to me by a source who has a source who has a source whose second cousin’s nephew lives in Rome and works as a janitor at the Vatican, I have learned the following about a discussion the Pope had with these bishops.***

First, the Pope decried the situation regarding the extraordinary form of the Mass in the Northwest dioceses, making it clear that remedial measures must be taken to reintroduce the EF Mass. “Enough of zeeze shenanigans of denying zeh extraaaw-d'nary fohrm of zeh Mass to zeh people,” the Pope reprimanded the bishops.

“Und no more nasty comments about zeh Latin language from priests with Dr. Zeuss hats,” he said. 

My informant was unsure of the veiled meaning of this statement, but noted that Bishops Vasa and Skylstad avoided eye contact with the Holy Father when he looked directly at them.  Cardinal Oullet, however, nodded knowingly and whispered something about "letters of complaint" to one of the bishops.

To Fr. Liam Cary, bishop-elect of the Diocese of Baker, the Holy Father extended warm congratulations and gratitude. Glancing again at Bishops Skylstad and Vasa, Pope Benedict added, “You haf quite zeh mess to clean up zhere.” He emphasized the need to re-institute the monthly EF Mass in Bend, Oregon, and to begin a program to train all parishes in the importance of the new translation and “singing the Mass”. He mentioned that the new bishop would be greatly aided by a lay association in that diocese, the Society of St.Gregory the Great, as a means to accomplishing these ends as well as instilling a love for Gregorian chant in the faithful. 

The Holy Father also commented about the lack of the extraordinary form of the Mass in the Diocese of Boise, telling Bishop Driscoll to begin a program to train priests to say the EF Mass. In addition, he directed the bishop to teach all of the people that Latin is to be desired in the Novus Ordo Mass, and to instruct the priests to start using more Latin.

“Spanish is guut,” the Holy Father said, “but if all zeh people know zeh Latin, zen zey may all go to zeh same Mass and understand zee liturgy in zee language of zeh Church.”

Addressing the situation in the Diocese of Seattle, where several pastors of several parishes are refusing to cooperate in the fight to repeal homosexual “marriage” in the state of Washington, the Holy Father told Archbishop Sartain that the time has come “to clean zeh house” of dissident priests and pastoral care administrators. “Zeh priests must be…shall vee say…rehabilitated…so zat zey may teach about zee sinfulness of homosexuality.”

Barely audible was the Holy Father’s private comment to Bishop Sartain that, “Und you vill need to keep up your guard wi’ zose pesky nuns, you know!”

In his closing comments to the group, the Holy Father added that he reads “Philothea on Phire” every morning, before he looks at Fr. Z or Mark Shea’s blog. He exhorted all present to check the blog daily.

“Zeh truth is zeh truth,” he said, “und zat lovely young voman who writes zat blog does her homework!”
* This is, of course, a spoof. If you took it seriously, email me to enroll in a special program on overcoming gullibility. ;-)


  1. Wishing it were true. ;-)

  2. You don't have to worry about Liam. He will not
    only support EF Masses, but he will spend the Diocese's
    money getting headstones for aborted babies at every parish
    before he feeds the poor in the High Desert of Oregon!

  3. I love it. I bet you are not far from what happened. If you think I need it I will enroll.


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