When They Marry Outside the Church

We’ve just gone through an experience that I’m sure many other Catholic grandparents have been through: our granddaughter got married. And she didn’t do it in the Church.

I “just happened” to listen to a sermon on the Audio Sancto website shortly after the engagement was announced. (You can listen to the whole sermon here, and I’ve transcribed part of it below.) Near the end of the homily, the priest says:

And every year at this time of year, the phone rings off the hook, the calls keep pouring in. They go something like this: "Father we just got an invitation to a wedding. My son (daughter, nephew, niece, brother, sister, cousin, God son, God daughter) is a Catholic, but has decided to get married down at the First Church of What's Happening Now. Can we go to the wedding?"

I have to ask: Do they have a dispensation from the bishop?

"No Father."

 Well, I'm sorry to say then, you can't go. See, they've decided to not invite Christ to the wedding. And if they're gonna force you to make a choice, you're gonna have to choose Christ our Lord. They're not getting married, and as Catholics who love our Lord, we don't want to get involved in those kinds of situations...

Parents, tell your children that you love them, but they must obey the Church's marriage laws. And if they ever decide to disobey and force you to take sides, as much as you love them, if they're gonna force you to take sides, you're always gonna side with Christ Our Lord.  

We live quite a distance away, so I wrote our granddaughter a letter to explain that, even under the best of circumstances, I would not be attending the wedding, but also, and more importantly, that she was taking a step that would endanger her soul. I didn’t expect a reply; I just wanted to make sure she knew the gravity of the situation.

I did receive a reply via email, but it was a couple of weeks after the wedding. She told me that she could not have had a Catholic wedding because the young man was not Catholic and that  

the only way that I am “more Catholic”’ than him is that I was baptized in the Catholic church, received my First Holy Communion when I was young, and have gone to confession once, because we had to for CCD.

Cafeteria Catholics?

I shouldn’t have been surprised at what she said. The writing had been on the wall for some time. After all, most of her school years had been spent in a private Christian school – not a Catholic school, but a Protestant one.  She chose not to be confirmed. She also spent a year at a Protestant Bible college.  As for an example from her parents, her father has been a faithful Catholic, always attending Sunday Mass, as far as I know. But for years, her mother attended both Sunday Mass at their local parish as well as a nondenominational Protestant service; her mother also attends a Protestant Bible study and has been involved in the summer vacation bible school of a local Protestant church for a number of years; and her mother had told me a few years previous that she herself was not “a strict Catholic”, and said things that left me feeling sad and wondering how it was that a cradle Catholic could be sucked into Protestantism.  Another of my husband’s sons had married outside the Church, and our granddaughter had participated in that “wedding”.

Hindsight is 20/20, of course.

RE Class

And where was the Church in all this? I think this is a clear example of the failure of the Church to catechize the parents as well as the children. If the parents weren’t properly catechized as they were growing up, then how can they pass the faith on to their children? I imagine that, more and more, Catholic parents in the last 50 years have come to rely on weekly, one-hour “CCD” or “RE” classes to teach their children the faith, all the while sending their children to public school (or even Protestant schools). One hour a week of fluffy RE, combined with Mass attendance on Sunday (if that), will not inoculate the young against the feel-good theology of Protestantism. Catholic schools these days seem to be wanting in the quality of their catechesis as well – sometimes for fear of offending their non-Catholic students (or the parents of these students). Then there is the problem of the  Protestantization of the Mass; and the fact that many Catholic priests are preaching sermons devoid of Catholic identity; and that few Catholics are willing to say, as Michael Voris does, that Protestantism is a heresy…

Sigh.

Our granddaughter also wanted to know:

Since we are equally matched with a love and passion for God, faithful to His command of sexual purity, and regularly attend and enjoy being involved in church, why is our decision to get married outside of the Catholic Church considered a grave sin?

Yes, thank God, they did not live together before marriage, nor surrender their purity. And yet, she seems to have an incomplete understanding of what marriage means. If she’d been married in the Church, she and her fiancé would at least have gone through some pre-marriage classes (though, seriously, I have little confidence in such things these days). I wonder if she would have heard the definition of marriage the FSSP priest gives in his sermon:

[What do we mean by the marriage contract?] A man and a woman give and accept an exclusive and perpetual right for acts which are of themselves suitable for the generation of children. That's the marriage contract; if it's properly made, validly made, then this contract results in a relationship known as marriage. The man and the woman make the contract; if it's properly made, God makes the relationship, which is marriage...

…[T]hey've just been given not only God's permission, but His blessing, His actual blessing at that moment, to use the great creative power. They may use this great power on the condition that the acts are of themselves suitable for the generation of children, so that tells us God's limits on the power, right there. They use it on the condition that these rights are exclusive, which means that each partner uses these rights exclusively to the other partner; that shows the unity of the relationship. And on the condition that each partner yields these rights perpetually, till death do us part. And that shows the indissolubility of the relationship.

…It's important to note this: if the couple did not make a valid contract, then the relationship does not come into being. In other words, they weren't actually married.

The priest goes on to explain about the canonical requirements of marriage:

The canonical form of marriage means that in order to be valid, the marriage must be contracted in the presence of two witnesses and also in the presence of the local bishop or the parish priest, or a priest or a deacon with delegation from the bishop or the parish priest. The basic idea here is, if you're Catholic, the Church requires you to have a Catholic wedding…

…See here's the problem. If a Catholic guy and his girlfriend get a wild idea to go to the local justice of the peace or over to the First Church of What's Happenin' Now, and stand up there in front of everybody and exchange vows, it's not valid. That's another way of saying nothing happened. They came in as boyfriend and girlfriend, and they left as boyfriend and girlfriend. They don't actually leave as man and wife. They're not married.

Would she have been taught this kind of thing in a pre-marriage class? Having never attended one myself, I have no idea. And would our granddaughter have been made aware of the wonderful symbolism of the wedding Mass itself? (See my transcription of a homily by this same priest on that subject here).

Does anyone make sure our Catholic kids know this stuff? Well, parents have the first responsibility to make sure this happens, of course. But they’re getting very little help, support, or encouragement from the Church!

And that, dear readers, is why we need to know our faith. That is why we need to pass our faith onto our children first-hand, us to them, not relying on the local parish RE program which may be under the influence of a modernist, liberal, progressive Protestantized RE director. Our Catholic identity is important. It is unique. It is different from a Protestant identity! Our children need to know this, and they need to know it at more than a second-grade level.

And, as parents (and grandparents, and godparents), so do we.

Take to heart these words which I enjoin on you today. Drill them into your children. Speak of them at home and abroad, whether you are busy or at rest. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

Click "read more" to see the transcript.
In this sermon, which you can listen to here, the priest is discussing the canonical form of marriage; he is concerned with the Church law governing the situation in which one party is a Catholic of the Latin Rite. He spends the first half of his sermon laying the groundwork, noting what marriage is, for whom these marriage rules hold sway, and establishing what is meant by the “marriage contract”; it’s well worth listening to the whole sermon. However, this transcript begins at about the 8 minute mark in the sermon. I’ve done some editing where he repeats himself for effect and ease of comprehension of a listening audience, but I believe this is a true representation of the points he is trying to make.

[What do we mean by the marriage contract?] A man and a woman give and accept an exclusive and perpetual right for acts which are of themselves suitable for the generation of children. That's the marriage contract; if it's properly made, validly made, then this contract results in a relationship known as marriage. The man and the woman make the contract; if it's properly made, God makes the relationship, which is marriage...

…In other words, what happens when they've entered into this contract,  [is that] God makes the relationship; they've just been given not only God's permission, but His blessing, His actual blessing at that moment, to use the great creative power. They may use this great power on the condition that the acts are of themselves suitable for the generation of children, so that tells us God's limits on the power, right there. They use it on the condition that these rights are exclusive, which means that each partner uses these rights exclusively to the other partner; that shows the unity of the relationship. And on the condition that each partner yields these rights perpetually, till death do us part. And that shows the indissolubility of the relationship.

…If the contract is properly made, if it's validly made, then this contract between a man and a woman results in a relationship which is made by God Himself, and that relationship is known as marriage. It's important to note this: if the couple did not make a valid contract, then the relationship does not come into being. In other words, they weren't actually married. That's important. Everyone needs to burn this into his mind…

Our so-called legal system might call it a marriage, but calling something a marriage does not make it so in the eyes of God. Marriage is what it is. And if a couple contracted for some other relationship... let's just say, “we'll do this like a test drive, we'll go for three years and see how it works, and if it isn't working out after three years, we'll just split the sheets and go our ways”; or they're not open to acts which are themselves suitable for the generation of children; they might call that a marriage, but it isn't. Marriage is what it is. God created it. These days, folks call a lot of things marriage that aren't marriage in the eyes of God.

… If that contract is properly made, which is the same as saying if it's validly made, that results in a relationship, and that relationship is known as marriage, and marriage is made by God. If the couple did not properly make the contract; if they don't validly make the contract, then the marriage did not actually come into being.

…With that as background, let's consider just what the canonical form of marriage is for all us Latin rite Catholics, and then, why does it matter.

The canonical form of marriage concerns the validity of a marriage in which at least one of the spouses is Catholic…[and] concerns the validity of that situation. There are certain requirements which the Church itself has imposed on Catholics, and which must be met in order for Catholics to be validly married, in order for them to make a valid contract…The Church has said to Catholics, "You're free to make this contract; that's fine. Then in order to actually make the contract, here's the rules."

So before we even discuss exactly what these Church-imposed requirements are, before we even discuss exactly what the canonical form of marriage is, we can already see why it's so important: because it concerns the validity of marriage.

An invalid marriage is no marriage at all… So you can see this is a salvation issue.

...What is the canonical form?

I'll read from the code of canon law, canon 1108: “only those marriages are valid which are contracted in the presence of the local ordinary [the local ordinary is the bishop of the diocese] or parish priest, or the priest or the deacon delegated by either of them [the bishop or the priest] who in the presence of two witnesses assists in accordance, however, with the rules set out in the following canons..."

The canonical form of marriage means that in order to be valid, the marriage must be contracted in the presence of two witnesses and also in the presence of the local bishop or the parish priest, or a priest or a  deacon with delegation from the bishop or the parish priest. The basic idea here is, if you're Catholic, the Church requires you to have a Catholic wedding…

…See here's the problem. If a Catholic guy and his girlfriend get a wild idea to go to the local justice of the peace or over to the First Church of What's Happenin' Now, and stand up there in front of everybody and exchange vows, it's not valid. That's another way of saying nothing happened. They came in as boyfriend and girlfriend, and they left as boyfriend and girlfriend. They don't actually leave as man and wife. They're not married.

You don't need me to tell you it's serious. It's serious! We all remember from when we were kids learning our catechism, the 6th commandment of the Church: the sixth commandment is where we're required to obey the laws of the Church with marriage. Back when we were little shavers learning our catechism, that didn't seem very important. But once we see the consequences of it, we can see why it's important.

Here's another important point… Suppose this Catholic guy wants to marry a girl, and it's gonna cause World War III and all kinds of fire and shootin' and family problems if she doesn't get married in her dad's church, because her dad happens to be the preacher at the First Church of What's Happenin' Now. We just saw that if they go in and standup  in front of her dad and exchange vows, and leave, nothing happens. They came in as boyfriend and girlfriend, and they left as boyfriend and girlfriend. They didn't get married because they couldn't get married. What can they do?

Here is an important detail: The Bishop has the power in individual cases to release a particular couple from the requirement of having a Catholic priest or deacon witness the marriage. And if because of this grave family problem, the bishop releases the couple from that requirement, then it actually is a valid marriage. The Church has no power to change God's rules. But these are rules made by the Church 500 years ago. And so if there's a good reason, the Church can relax them to some degree. So the Church has established these rules, which also means the Church has the power to dispense from these rules.

What does it mean? It means that if everything else is the same, if a Catholic tries to contract marriage down at the First Church of What's Happenin' Now, but he doesn't have a dispensation, then he didn't get married. But if he does have a dispensation from the bishop, then he did get married. So everything else being the same, no dispensation, no marriage; dispensation: marriage.

…We're saying that if a Catholic doesn't observe the canonical form of marriage, and he doesn't have a bishop's dispensation, then he can't validly contract marriage. It's true whether or not the couple is aware of the fact… Marriage is what it is. The couple may not be guilty at all, perfectly innocent, not guilty of a single thing. They may be quite innocently unaware of the teaching of the church in this area. This is common. And we live in strange times; it's surprising it's not more common. But good intentions don't have the power to change what marriage is. Marriage is what it is, which means that if a Catholic doesn't observe the canonical form of marriage, and doesn't have a dispensation from the bishop, then that person cannot validly contract marriage.

Of course, if they don't know, there's no sin. In order to commit a sin, we have to actually realize we're doing something wrong. So if we're ignorant of this in this case, there's no sin, but there's still no marriage.

I'm just going to make a remark to the people that will be listening to his on CD [or reading this transcript!]. If you're in that predicament, go see your priest; he can help you out.

Now let's consider the case when there's a couple, at least one of whom is Catholic, [who] does this knowingly. They actually realize that the Church requires formal marriage, but they decide to blow that off. What are they doing? Well, in the first place, since they're not observing the canonical form of marriage, they're not married. It's not possible. Marriage is not the will of the parties. Marriage is what it is. It's not possible, since marriage is what it is and good intentions don't change a situation, and bad intentions sure can't change it either. They're not married, and worse yet, they're knowingly deciding to live together without being married. They're knowingly deciding to live in sin, so not only is it not marriage, it's serious sin.

And every year at this time of year, the phone rings off the hook, the calls keep pouring in. They go something like this: "Father we just got an invitation to a wedding. My son (daughter, nephew, niece, brother, sister, cousin, God son,  God daughter) is a Catholic, but has decided to get married down at the First Church of What's Happening Now. Can we go to the wedding?"

I have to ask: Do they have a dispensation from the bishop?

"No Father."

Well, I'm sorry to say then, you can't go.

See, they've decided to not invite Christ to the wedding. And if they're gonna force you to make a choice, you're gonna have to choose Christ our Lord. They're not getting married, and as Catholics who love our Lord, we don't want to get involved in those kind of situations. There's a lot more that can be said on this topic, and we'll take it up again soon and fill in more details...

Parents, tell your children that you love them, but they must obey the Church's marriage laws. And if they ever decide to disobey and force you to take sides, as much as you love them, if they're gonna force you to take sides, you're always gonna side with Christ Our Lord.  

Tell them, we love you, but if you force us to take sides, we're always gonna side with Christ Our Lord.  

We're always gonna side with Christ Our Lord.